Today is going to be a good day. I've already gone for a walk and I've caught up on blog reading. Plus I had a good sleep last night. I just generally am feeling more energetic and happy. I have always been a generally happy person, and these past 2 years have been the best of my life. I met the man of my dreams, graduated nursing school, got a full time job in a job market that has little full time jobs for nurses, am living in my dream house with my little family, and am just content.
However, there has been less than rosey times in my life. Today reading Miss April's blog I got really really emotional. She posted a link to a fellow blogger (who is not on my blog roll, nor will I allow to read mine), who is so critical and has attacked some of the writers of the blogs he reads. He says that he doesn't do it to make himself feel better, but the only reason to write such mean and hateful thing's is to boost your own self esteem. It's low self esteem that has been proven to create bullies. And the words he wrote would definitely fall under the category of being a bully. Reading his words threw me back to my childhood and the first time that a boy made me self conscious and feel bad about myself.
I was in Grade 3 (so that puts me at what 8-9 years old?) and I had finished my lunch that I'm sure my parents ever so lovingly packed for me to take to school and was headed down the stairs to go outside and play on the playground with my friends when a boy who was at least grade 6, singled me out and called me fat. Now before this I had never looked at my body with a critical eye. Yes I was taller than most of the kids in my grade and looking back at class pictures was a little bit bigger, but not by much. Needless to say I was crushed. That moment is embedded in my brain. I can hear the sound of his voice, I remember the feeling in my stomach and heart (literally felt as though I'd been kicked in the guts), I remember the heat of my cheeks as I got embarrassed, and I remember the feeling of the tears on those hot cheeks. Why would a boy I didn't know, still don't know, and never will know, think that it's OK to make a little girl feel the way he made me feel (hope everybody is seeing the similarities).
The answer to that is...It's not OK! Perhaps these boys (I refuse to call them men because that would imply that they'd grown up) should watch Bambi and listen to those ever-so-wise words of Thumper "If you can't say nothin' nice, don't say nothin' at all".
Yes, I realize that I am of ample size, but I'm doing something about it! Yes, I'm going to slip up and eat *cringe* Taco Bell, but I'm not going to give up! Yes, I'm not the perfect picture of health at the moment, but I will be! Yes, my weight loss is slow, but it's not going the other way! Yes, the odds are against me, but I will beat those odds and, like in gambling, the payoff will be even greater. I do NOT need your reminder of the negative parts of these statements. I'm perfectly capable of realizing that myself. I'm not an idiot! What I do need is somebody to remind me that I can finish those sentences the way I have above. To be supportive to somebody in their weight loss journey is much more difficult than being critical. Of course I could pick out what people are doing wrong (and I can pick it out in myself too!), but if I realize what I did wrong, chances are they know too, so why add insult to injury when I could help pick them up, dust them off and give em a smack on the ass to get them moving forwards again!?
I also find it inappropriate for men to judge women on the progress of their weight loss journey (it's inappropriate for other women too though!) simply because they don't live day-to-day in our bodies. It is a medically proven fact that men lose weight quicker than women due to the hormones that cause them to build muscle faster, and of course, muscle burns calories. They also do not have the monthly hormonal imbalances that throw us for a freakin' loop and send us into a tizzy of tears, cravings, and overall bitchiness. Like I have told Chris, if you think it's hard dealing with me while I'm like this, try being in this body, feeling this way that's making me act like this. It's no picnic. Women are more likely to put others before themselves (thank you maternal instinct), so while men can say "Going to the gym is more important to me than cleaning the kitchen", women often guilt themselves into cleaning the kitchen because that's traditionally the "woman's job". Who knew that during the feminist movement we'd end up with 2 jobs. Our economical job of bringing home a paycheck, and our domestic job of cooking and cleaning and doing laundry and tending to children. Somehow what we needs gets pushed to the back of our to do lists that we've scribbled down and have posted all over the house. Some of us, I'm one of them, are very lucky that our men are self sufficient and really won't starve to death if we don't get dinner made because we're busy, which makes it easier to move ourselves forward on that list. But for some, this is the most difficult part. Realizing that we are worth putting our effort into ourselves and realizing that it's really not the end of the world if dinner is not on the table the moment that our husband/boyfriend/partner walks in the door and yells "honey, I'm home!". I've realized this and I've let go of that guilt. No I may not have the cleanest house in the world and there may be dirty laundry but I got out for a walk this morning.
Last night at Zumba there was a lady there who must have been in her 60s, and obviously was not in the greatest shape and we met up in the locker room as we were going into the studio to start class. I was talking to my friend about how nervous I was and she joined in the conversation and said that somebody had told her that this class may be too "intense" for her and she shouldn't even give it a shot (wow talk about destructive!), but she decided to show up anyways and try it. She told me this and I looked at her and said "well how much do you want to bet that the person that said that is at this very moment sitting on their butt watching TV" she looked at me and said "I guarantee you that's where she is" but her whole demeanor changed and she looked much more confident and she had so much fun. Driving out of the parking lot I saw her, stopped, rolled down the window and told her I hoped to see her next week. Now to me, that is the kind of interaction that is appropriate and is helpful. I don't understand why it's so hard for some people to get that message into their heads!
OK I'm going to end this post as it seems to be long enough. I just want to thank everybody who has been so supportive and loving as I continue along this journey. Love you all! XOXOXO